Advice for my first “Short Film”

Hi All! I’m new to the forum, and I really got into Roger Deakins work thanks to my Girlfriend. Which is actually why I’m here as well. I think writing and filming a short film, which she would then go and see under another pretense would be a cool way to propose to a film nerd like her. I’ve written a short screenplay (which will be heavily edited in the event she’s on this forum) but still conveys the gist of what I’m attempting, and I wanted to hear some feedback / suggestions / what to expect along the way. It would be especially awesome to hear from Mr. Deakins which would be a cool Easter egg to tell her about afterwards. Here is the edited screenplay (which loses some magic in it’s anonymity with details removed, but oh well)

SCENE 1: THE ARRIVAL (SUNRISE GOLDEN HOUR)

We open with a black screen, and the sound of a vehicle idling. The picture slowly fades in, revealing a dark vehicle that fills the frame. The scene sits here for a few seconds, building tension, before the vehicle drives offscreen to the right revealing the background. In the background, a man stands facing away, the camera positioned so that he is in the top left intersection of the frame per the rule of thirds.

THE MAN IS DRESSED IN A G1 JACKET, WITH WARM BROWN, NEUTRAL TONED CLOTHING

Beyond the man, we see a gate and driveway ascending up towards a house. The gate currently closed. The Man begins to walk towards the gate, the camera staying behind him and holding distance. He approaches at an angle, the camera moving loosely to his right. As he nears the gate, he begins to move in parallel with it, his left hand gliding along the metal until he reaches the right side of the gate. He looks down, and reaches out with a trembling right hand and picks up the lock, realizing the gate is locked. He stops in a moment of contemplation, then, resolute in his decision he begins to climb the gate. Once he’s on the other side, the camera begins to move in. The Man stands still for a second, dusting himself off before he begins the trek up the driveway. The camera seamlessly follows.

(Blind Spot Handoff)

START OF THE PIANO SCORE

As the man ascends the driveway, the camera first swings to his left as his gaze shifts to the right, revealing a horse grazing in the field. This angle follows the man upwards, As the man continues up the driveway, He is nearing the crest of the hill. Once he reaches the top, the house is fully in view with a truck in the driveway facing the man.

END OF THE PIANO SCORE

Her dog rushes from the porch over to the man. He stops, and kneels down. The camera rises up and pans down to be just above the mans shoulder in height and looking over that shoulder as he takes a moment to interact with her. After a little while, the front door opens, and her mom steps out, having noticed the Man’s presence.

Mom: “Oh, Hey! I wasn’t expecting you.”

The Man stands up, and begins to walk towards her. The camera behind the man and following once again, his back and shoulders taking up most of the left side of the frame with Her mom being seen on the right.

The Man: “I know, I’m sorry for just dropping by like this. I just…I really need to see her. Is she here?”

Mom: “I’m sorry, she’s not home right now. But I can take a message?”

The Man: “Actually, do you know where I can find her? It’s…Important”

As he says “It’s…Important”, he reaches into his right-hand jacket pocket and pulls something out (The Ring) but its obscured by his hand. He brings it in front of his body, hidden from the camera and presents it to her. She reacts. It’s okay to dwell for a while here, this should be a moment between her and I and it shouldn’t be rushed. After whatever naturally occurs in this moment, she will volunteer the following freely or prompted by me.

Mom: “She’s at the Theatre, If you hurry, you might catch her!”

The camera begins to pan to the left to reveal Sister coming from around the corner. The Man puts the object back in his pocket as this happens.

Sister: “I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but it sounds like you need a ride?”

Mom: “We have to get him to your Sister!”

Sister: “Hop in” They gesture towards the truck that is sitting in the driveway. She jumps in the Driver Seat, the camera follows the man as he walks around the front of the vehicle and gets into the Passenger seat. After he closes his door, the camera continues to sink backward, momentarily showing a shot slightly above the truck bed looking forward, mom off to the side. Then as it nears the back of the truck it descends and allows the truck bed door to fill the frame, slowly moving from the Passenger side to the Driver side.

THIS IS THE TRANSITION, A SMOOTH SHOT FROM ONE END OF THE TRUCK BED DOOR TO THE OTHER. AS WE BEGIN TO LEAVE THE LEFT SIDE OF THE TRUCK BED DOOR WE ARE IN SCENE 2.

2

THE THEATRE

As the camera comes out from behind the truck, The Man is standing at the Driver Side Door, and he shakes hands with Sister in the Driver seat.The Man: “Thank you, I really appreciate your support.” As he says that the camera is panning around, once more behind the man as he faces the truck She nods in agreement, and the Man recognizes that its time. With his right hand he taps the door of the truck and opens his shoulders to become intersecting with the truck, looking towards the left at the theatre. The camera floats behind him, catching him silhouetted against the backdrop of the morning sky in the background beyond the theatre, This lingers for a few seconds. Then he lets go of the truck and begins to walk towards the theatre, the camera resuming its place behind him. He enters the theatre lobby, and makes his way towards the screening room. His pace is not slow, but deliberate. Tension builds in the pacing. The camera maintains distance and angle as it follows. As he approaches the screening room door, he pauses. His shoulders visibly swell as he takes a deep breath, clearly nervous. After he gathers his courage, he pushes open the door and walks in, the camera following. He walks down the short hallway leading into the viewing area, and just as he starts to turn the corner the screen goes black…

I want to create a mostly 1 take feel, to keep it live and in the moment. The only real transition between Locations 1/2. Otherwise I want it to feel like as she’s watching this in the theatre she’s right there behind and beside me. This is probably already too long of a post, so I’ll stop short here for now. Any tips would be appreciated!